who's a debbie downer?

I'm so ill prepared for a big fat birthday. I'm just not feeling it. It feels nothing like a celebration and completely like a "Calling Before the Yardstick" ceremony where I bear witness to my lack of accomplishment. 

Married? No.
Children? No. 
Published? No. 
Well surely then I've made great strides in my professional growth and am experiencing an enriching and lucrative career. Ha! No.
A well appointed home that I've poured my non-marital, empty-wombed self into decorating? To the contrary, I think the Con-Ed construction going on right outside my building actually resulted in a tiny mouse skittering across my living room floor last night. At least that's what my dog's sudden crazed behavior indicated. Ah metropolitan living, so high end and pristine. Enviable, really. You're feeling envy reading this, aren't you? 

There are of course a few consolations; Jennifer Aniston for example. She is very hot, very rich and famously single, more so even than me (my mom would violently disagree). If she's having a hard time finding someone to ring and ding her what hope can there possibly be for me? That's right, none (insert awkward ha ha  here). Also, no children means I very very rarely get peed or puked on. Sure, last Friday I was hanging out with my 5 year old friend and sure she leaned in to give me a good-bye kiss and of course in reality blew a raspberry in my mouth, but as a non-mom that just happens a lot less than you'd think it would. Sometimes I spend entire Saturdays or Sunday in pajamas. 

Then again, this could all change. Especially considering I recently learned that David Duchovny lives 9 blocks away from me and I have 4 days off coming. I think I'll get myself a Mulder for my birthday. Or this: 

god how I hate the Spice Girls

there are the things you say out loud and the things you wouldn't dare. And we know which things are which.

OMG! Your baby is gorgeous!

Holy shit, your baby girl/boy looks exactly like your husband/wife and damn if that's not a good look on a girl/boy. Sure, you be the one to tell someone their baby girl looks Harvey Fierstein or their son is the splitting image of Roseanne Barr.

That said, while my parents have been asking what I want for my birthday I hear myself rather reasonably responding; "an iPhone". To my brothers; "a gift certificate at the salon I go to would be great, I'm dying for a cut". I do, I want those things, quite badly even. But (Spice Girls) what I really, really want are flowers from a guy that I could genuinely see myself talking to for the next 40 years or so. I'm not quite sure where the flowers part comes from (but the heart wants what it wants?).

**
I can't ask for the new Trish McEvoy perfume I've been dying to try, or my favorite candle, because the awesomely wonderful Hank already took care of that for me. I know the nicest people, thank you!!

thoughts about things that might happen next week

I hate being the one in the restaurant that the waiters holding cake and candle are walking towards. There's something about people who don't know me singing Happy birthday to me that's always bugged me. Is that weird? I feel like that's sort of reserved for people who know you and really awkward for those who don't. Like moving a strand of hair out of your eye or taking a piece of food off your face, these are things that strangers don't (read: should fucking never) do.

In the same vein I think blowing out candles is weird. Because it's my birthday I get to spittle all over everyone's dessert? Uhm, gross. Surely I'm not alone in this either.

So feel free to celebrate with me, just don't make strangers sing or touch me.

it was

my birthday. And you missed it. Shameful.

birthday wish

I'm fully hoping that I get Christian Bale for my birthday. And that when he arrives he is holding a Kindle in one hand and a hipster carcass in the other. I'm off to lunch with a very cute fellow.

*Update* - ok, I'm really optimistic about Christian Bale now. (Yes, I got a Kindle 2!! You have no idea how geekily thrilled I am!)

*Update Part 2* - I'd like to thank whoever the sweetheart was that bought me Iron Man. I received the dvd (but with no way of knowing who from) and I was really hoping to own that. So thank you! And Eudora, I love love love the black and decker griddle, I plan to christen it at breakfast tomorrow.

clarity is also

learning from a mistake here and there.

Last year I attempted to throw a mini dinner party for my birthday. I invited 10 friends. I won't embarrass myself by revealing the outcome of that (though having dinner with Joe was phenomenal). This year, the plan will be a little different.