the six month shit

it's like the seven year itch but for non-committal types. In other words; the guy and I are over. He did something shitty that I just couldn't move past. Not fuck-a-nazi-loving-skank-shitty but nevertheless. So if you know any interesting (not quirky interesting, interesting to talk to interesting) grown men you feel free to go ahead and let me know.

strange girl

this is what you miss while I'm not blogging;

last week as the guy and I were getting into bed:

Him: wow, you cleaned your blinds!

Me: sure did.

Him: what got you to do that?

Me: because, argh! I still can't find those earrings.

Him: and you thought they were hiding in the blind dust?

Me: well, they aren't anywhere else so far.

Him: I sleep with a strange girl.

He's catching on.

whoreable advice

Ashley Dupre is now a "relationship" columnist for the NY Post. Awe. Some.

Her whoredom clearly signals a deep and complex understanding of what it is that keeps people together (not whoring around) and what keeps people apart (whoring around). For the ladies she'll no doubt suggest that they be interesting and interested in their men. Wear sexy underthings. Don't greet him at the door with complaints. Don't be afraid to act like the sort of women your husband is used to paying for. All sage bits for sure.

But here's the crux of what makes things work or not work. And you don't have to read any self help books or buy the Post to discover them.

You. Have. To. Pick. The. Right. Person.

That's literally all there is to it. No underwear in the world is going to stop your guy from wanting to see someone else's. No blowjob is the last he'll ever want. You either hook yourself up to a decent guy or you don't and you learn. Chris Rock said it best; a man is basically as faithful as his options.

If you're with a guy who treats everything like a joke (think Paul Rudd in Knocked Up) I promise you he'll treat your relationship the same.

If you're with a guy where everything is a deal, a finagling, a negotiation (think Donald Trump) then that's what you'll deal with. A negotiation. Can he find a nice piece of quiet ass that won't fuck shit up? If not then the deal stinks and he'll stay faithful. At least for now.

If you're with a guy where sports is the focus, just get the fuck out now. Now. If he goes by the name Tiger be warned, he likes to put his thing in lots (and lots and lots) of places (get that NY Post, I know, I KNOW!! Now stop putting that jackass on the cover, jeez, Tiger Woods has been on the cover of the NY Post every single day since that half Asian part of him went driving).

If you want to be with a decent person a lot of the onus falls on you. People show you who they are. They do. Pay attention and believe someone when they show you a flawed side, you don't get that many warnings. The badass might be interesting but he's out there for a reason. He can't or he won't commit.

Believe me, there are men who don't cheat. They just don't. They show a reverence for things, people, promises. It's not part of their make-up. You might know them, they're the ones that don't lie much either.

And look, you didn't even need a professional whore to tell you that.

(yeah, I just freelance).

the one with venting

as I'm not in a relationship, one of the easiest things to do is spend too much time considering them. I consider why I'm not in one and why others are. Frequent variations; he's a sucker, she's a steamroller; he's a collector, she's a trophy; sap met sap and there's always the treacly love (all my long-winded way of saying envious). It's the obvious and boring; I'm not sure I want to be at your party but I sure as fuck want to be invited. I consider that (cliche?) I hear about how it takes work and I consider that I'm lazy and hate work of any kind. The sacrifice and I know I have a martyr-y sort of disposition to begin with but I feel like I routinely sacrifice too much already. And considering the only guys that ask me out are married, I am keenly aware that the prize of the relationship is sometimes not worth the entry fee. So why does not being part of one drive me mad sometimes? I guess because it doesn't bother me all the other times.

not at all random thought

it's the tiniest bit tricky to buy your mom a Mother's Day card the day after she tells you that your perpetually empty womb is an insult and a disappointment to her.

lunchtime poll

what percentage of folks who "want to take it slow" really have communicable diseases they're working up the nerve to tell you about?

(today's poll is brought to you by the drug commercial I just saw and the memory of said drug being on the bathroom counter of a guy that once said the aforementioned. For the record; we were one and done.)