Tuesday, December 15, 2009

whoreable advice

Ashley Dupre is now a "relationship" columnist for the NY Post. Awe. Some.

Her whoredom clearly signals a deep and complex understanding of what it is that keeps people together (not whoring around) and what keeps people apart (whoring around). For the ladies she'll no doubt suggest that they be interesting and interested in their men. Wear sexy underthings. Don't greet him at the door with complaints. Don't be afraid to act like the sort of women your husband is used to paying for. All sage bits for sure.

But here's the crux of what makes things work or not work. And you don't have to read any self help books or buy the Post to discover them.

You. Have. To. Pick. The. Right. Person.

That's literally all there is to it. No underwear in the world is going to stop your guy from wanting to see someone else's. No blowjob is the last he'll ever want. You either hook yourself up to a decent guy or you don't and you learn. Chris Rock said it best; a man is basically as faithful as his options.

If you're with a guy who treats everything like a joke (think Paul Rudd in Knocked Up) I promise you he'll treat your relationship the same.

If you're with a guy where everything is a deal, a finagling, a negotiation (think Donald Trump) then that's what you'll deal with. A negotiation. Can he find a nice piece of quiet ass that won't fuck shit up? If not then the deal stinks and he'll stay faithful. At least for now.

If you're with a guy where sports is the focus, just get the fuck out now. Now. If he goes by the name Tiger be warned, he likes to put his thing in lots (and lots and lots) of places (get that NY Post, I know, I KNOW!! Now stop putting that jackass on the cover, jeez, Tiger Woods has been on the cover of the NY Post every single day since that half Asian part of him went driving).

If you want to be with a decent person a lot of the onus falls on you. People show you who they are. They do. Pay attention and believe someone when they show you a flawed side, you don't get that many warnings. The badass might be interesting but he's out there for a reason. He can't or he won't commit.

Believe me, there are men who don't cheat. They just don't. They show a reverence for things, people, promises. It's not part of their make-up. You might know them, they're the ones that don't lie much either.

And look, you didn't even need a professional whore to tell you that.

(yeah, I just freelance).

Saturday, December 12, 2009

thank you who?

I just received and opened my first Hanukkah present. I absolutely love it but can't thank anyone because it came without a sender's name. Out yourself and let me thank you!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

like my balls

is how useful Twitter is to me. I don't know how anyone with a job bothers. Unless you sit there staring at the screen and hitting refresh, how is it fun?
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