Tuesday, February 10, 2009

choosey, for a beggar

I'm not a hunter, not even close. I'm a complete gatherer. Even when I shop, if I like something, I'll buy 2 or 3. Know why? Because I won't want to hunt these items down again. Oh! My laziness is legendary. Sooo not a hunter.

And people who know me, know this. Which is why it completely confuses my brain when my friends play the "hunt-me-down" game. Look people, it's not going to happen. I'll try a few dozen times, but just a few dozen. I'm mean but oddly sensitive, my pride can only take so much rebuffing. I'm not going to email you for plans and call you endlessly. A friend and an after-thought aren't the same thing. I'm not going to keep going to where I may run into you in the hopes that you'll remember we're friends. No. I'm going to fade away or, if you've got the head start, I'll let you (continue) to fade away. Yay! You win!

Look, I'm not (completely) self centered. I get it, you have a life. You have a job, a project due, kids, a spouse, a boyfriend, a really needy plant. But here's the thing - everyone does. You and you're situation are not as singular and unique as you think. People with jobs, projects, kids, husbands, boyfriends and needy plants manage to have friends. My mom had all those things and buckets of friends (and no, not all her friends were married with kids either, yes, she's soo radical).

Despite what you think, nothing in your life takes 24 hours, 7 days a week.

I don't have a boyfriend. No husband. No kids. So yes, I don't "get it". Not at all. I don't get how having any of these things in your life precludes or even rules out having friends. I don't see how wiping a nose or sharing a bed with a loved one prevents the sporadic hey what's up email. I don't see how being in love stops you from caring about your friends. The first month or two, when everything is new and chaotic, sure, of course. A year or two later? You're not busy, you're a crap friend. Actually, it's probably more likely that you're someone I used to be friends with. Hopefully, I will one day be in the same shoes. Then you can all wag your finger and tell me you told me so. That being a parent or in love and having friends is simply against god and nature. But I know myself. And caution me all you like, I'd make time so grab a cup of coffee with my friends. At least once a month. Even if I had to bring my spawn with me.

I want to say that it matters, that it's doable, that your priorities make the difference. But in some cases I suppose it already has.


  1. I'm with you on not being a hunter.
    Thank you for the link. I love your writing!

  2. Good post. A friend of mine (who has two toddlers, a husband, a dog, a cat, a job, etc.) recently told me she wishes us single gals asked her to go out more, proving the theory that some people are just a pain in the ass.
    And to echo the EB72, thanks for the link!

  3. Haha, I was totally "is she talking about me here?" but I'd be surprised if that's the case as I am frequently reaching out to meet you for the little time I have free these days.

    I'd say don't take it personally. Because while I do make an effort to see *you* as you work 3 blocks from my home, I know I have been neglecting other friendships in the wedding-planning frenzy in which I find myself. It *is* a time thing. I can step out and go have a quick smoke with you, most of my friends live far away and require more planning and travel and a larger time commitment, time I just don't have right now.

    I'd shrug my shoulders and do something else if you're feeling abandoned by certain friends. If they return after whatever they are currently going through, they're yours, if not, they were never meant to be. :-)

  4. I feel like I am in this vast universe and hanging on by the thinnest of threads. Held in a temporal balance by the belief that I am somehow connected. Affirmed proof of a connection, however esoteric, is requisite to finding meaning, purpose, warmth, friendship, and love. Confirmation of a thread, even while acknowledging it's infinitly thin nature, shows proof I am where I belong. You are right to look for those threads. Hank

  5. I completely echo the sentiment in your post. Relationships, whether with a lover or a friend, can never be one sided. If it isn't mutual, it's not worth it. I suppose "He's just not into you" can be extended to all relationships. Been there, done that. And now I just don't bother with friends who can't be bothered.

  6. I totally agree. I'm with you on everything you said here.

    I always make time for my friends, but am always astounded how some people only make time for their frieds when they have nothing else going on in their lives. And that's just not right.

    I am lucky on one front though -- my very best friend has a husband, huge house and 3 kids ranging in age from 1 to 5 years. You want a definition of hectic -- her life is it. Yet I am always amazed at her ability to not only make time for outings with me, albeit less frequently now than a few years ago, but also that she often takes the initiative to make those plans with me. A true friend indeed.

    And, even though you hate conflict -- make it a point to tell the offending friends how you feel. Sometimes, they honestly don't even realize they've been neglectful.

  7. You are SO talking about me. I know it.
    Well let me just tell you something, I don't call you because you hate the phone, and I suck as a friend, and I have nothing interesting to say via email. So suffer a little just like the rest of us. No one ever calls me either. And I love you. Do you want to come with me to Shabbat Across America or what?

  8. Now this is the straight forward honesty that you were talking about in the previous post. You are on the mark here. I've been very lucky to have you as my best...Especially recently when I do have a tendency to disappear and wallow in self pity. You have been hunting me down as of late and it does not go unrecognized nor unappreciated. You're a great friend to have. Truly. I would break out the fox hounds if I ever thought that too much distance was growing between us. But then again I'm confident this post wasn't meant for me. ;) -- Joe

  9. I absolutley if it is ok would like to post this on my facebook page...with a link to your site...But i wanted to get your permission first...Very good read!


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